I wonder what time after my departure to New York began to change. I do not mean to when I realized my painful insecurity, not even that I sensed. Nor at the time Brian felt something was wrong, he was more jealous, inquisitive, cuddly ... No!
I mean the minute I started pulling the rope. Yes, that moment in the distance and the loneliness began to take its toll on me. That first change that you crave an imperceptible and yet often decisive for get to do things they will later regret.
Brian also changed the distance surely influenced him, but our changes were not at par. My husband learned to love and appreciate, to know what I needed to appreciate the need to form a pair of two. Just two. In a few months Brian demonstrated the ability to love with a capital, the need to have me at his side, me and see me happy, fear to lose the confidence necessary to share my secrets with me that I had buried.
Yes, the problem is trust, not yours but mine. At some point, as he was leaving the skin to show me he loved me, I started to lose myself. When a couple of nights ago he told me on the Messenger "... that was my fucking self-esteem so low as to think that after what happened this year was going to go with you to ... "Suddenly I started to try to remember.
Well, not suddenly, just for a moment, I saw that damn kid of seventeen and went through my life at his side trying to see me reflected in a moment as I am today. I'm still me, inside me I'm sure I'm still me. But if I could see the boy for five or six years maintained a non-relationship with Brian, who was slowly able to fight for everything she believed ... the runner, I carcajearía certain to me.
By then Brian once told me that a man should know when to seek help, do not know how you ask for something like that, not that he should ; to do. Since then I am sure my husband does not deserve punishment will tell you more, or again you get that or any issue, should not have to help anything. Although I acknowledge, with hand on heart, I wish I could ask for help understanding how definitively away everything I have been mortifying. After so many years together I, I, would have to know how to get the head of all this crap unjustified doubts and uncertainties and behave with a modicum of dignity and respect myself. And I'm gonna do for me, first for me but then for him ... for us.
What if I've realized what I was doing? Oh yeah, the memory is a silver bullet. Maybe not when you remember is always better than what you have. But never, ever could have imagined that one day llegaríaa have so much, and yet I know enjoy it for what only looked at what I need ... no I had.
I do not know if I'm thoughtful, quiet and lonely in their eyes. I want to be myself, enjoy it, take your memory poderme when in New York and enjoy the memory. I would like to see me as I have always been and not as a fucking dyke I became at some point. Not that I want to see me and to praise or such crap is that after four days without stopping to think, review, discover and try to redirect my ideas, I would think that, finally, I have some clear
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